Small things

 Sometimes i keep seeing old posts with alex, or jessica, or Whitney, or any of them. 

And I really just love seeing them doing good. Even if we aren’t part of the same worlds anymore. It’s nice to see. They all deserve the absolute best 

 Well. Another hurrah. 

Finally moving out. Finally functioning like a person. Finally making progress. 

And i found Alex’s old letters. I guess i knew they were there and tried to forget. And now i threw them away

I won’t forget that time, or my mistakes and my successes then. But I can’t keep that last connection. 

Im good now. Im happy and successful and finding my way. And it’s time to get rid of all these mementos of people past. That letter. Things from katelyn, from Pavelka. 

I think im gonna keep my old writing, it nay not be great and i abandoned that desire. But it’s a good memory to keep. 

Im glad you two seem to be doing well. This was a pretty quick posting again, but it’ll probably be a while till i post here again. 

But you guys have my number. And my Facebook...I honestly would like to one day reconnect and be friends again. I know that’s a dumb final desire I should cut away, but i think ill always want to start anew and just be friends. Especially now that we’ve all grown so much

Long time no talk

 I’m not really sure what got me to do this. Okay that’s a lie, there was a post about Exes and it made me think of you two. 

And honestly it was weird, realizing that I don’t yearn to make amends or fix the past. This post here isn’t some cry out for attention, like usual 

Honestly I don’t know if you two even read this anymore. You girls are strangers to me now, maybe you all finally gave up reading this years ago. 

I don’t really know if that sounds great, knowing you gals moved on, or if it makes me sad knowing that last little nostalgic connection was gone. 

In truth, a bit of both. I don’t have that desire and dream to reconnect anymore, that deep seated need to somehow make everything back to normal like i did for years. To somehow just go back to before all my spirals happened when i was good...or I should say when i was not able to realize i was bad. 

Now, I only occasionally see reminders in Facebook memories. And think fondly on the friendships, even if everything ended badly. A small part of me still wants to reconnect, to be friends with you two and catch up with how our lives have changed. I dont think that desire will ever fully leave. But now that’s just a wispy day dream I get occasionally, when thinking of what ifs.

I guess if im gonna be honest the real thing i wanted to post this for is to say i truly hope you two are happy. I hope with all my heart that you gals have found the loves of your life, i hope that you got careers that you adore, and everything is going great (well as great as it can right now), i just hope that you two are getting nothing but the best. 

I don’t know if it means much coming from me, but i wanted to say it. I hope that’s not unfairly selfish of me, I really dont mean this to be a post that is for wrong reasons...but i truly dont know if it’s even fair for me to say this kind of thing, to reach out even if it’s in this way, after i hurt you two. 

I guess that got a bit off topic. If this really had a topic. 

But seriously i hope you two are doing amazing, and that you two getball the amazing things you deserve. We may be strangers now, but i wish you the best

Sorry bloggy. Im not back. I have to make that clear. If i give in to this i will lean on my old habits. You were a convenient way to share stuff. But that’s it. Nothing else.

Happy birthday. I think it’s today. Facebook mentioned it. I guess im kinda starting to forget these details? Probably good, it means im fonally moving on, not trapped by my past you know? But...I don’t know I don’t really hope or expect for anything to rekindle, im long past that. I know it won’t happen and ive accepted that.

But part of me doesn’t want to forget. I still care about her, or at least i care about who she use to be when i knew her. She gave me such great memories and she was so talented and fantastic, i have nothing but respect to her.

So i guess forgetting these is a bittersweet progress. I know it’s good and I’m not haunted by forgetting, like how I would have been in the past, but it’s sorta melancholy?

I just can’t come up with the right description. It’s sorta like moving on from a Pokémon game, into the next one. It’s a great new chapter but forgetting the previous one is just a bit sad

How much do i have to change to like myself again? To be happy again?

Asking for a friend.

I came here to...i dont know. I don’t have a reason to be here. No big events

But views are down. Only 3 views last time. Maybe everyone finally gave up on me. Or i guess on this memory of me.

It kinda hurts. Even if i said that’s what i wanted. People to move on from me because I can’t move past myself.

I just...im lost and spiraling recently. Not in a kill-myself kind. Just all habits Bd self help are failing. And i just feel lost and alone again.

I don’t know what im doing. I’m planning on moving out...but if i move out alone...what do i do if i break? Im svared to be alone with myself